Favourite Piss

[AllezLesRouges]

To avoid taking over a pointless football related thread I've decided to start a new thread dedicated to those horrible but yet beautiful moments were your bladder threatens to leave you unless you find a bog.

As some off here have already testified, outside Old Trafford for the semi was torture. I tried to remain calm but ended up eating my gums to take my mind off it. But by God was it worth it when I eventually got inside the ground.

[big dutch]

always worse in the cold too

liverpool v ipswich 2003 league cup when it went to penalties

torture !!!!

[Rafa El Gaffer]

Nothing beats the "end of the binge alley piss" on your walk home.

[Rose of Mossley]

Nothing beats the "end of the binge alley piss" on your walk home.

You're in a minority of one there.

[Baboonery]

The next one.

[FarmersBoy]

The Black Swan outside Lancaster Gate tube station, circa November 1988.

Just come out of work, filled myself nicely full of ale for an hour and then straight onto the tube at Chancery Lane. Normally but a 15 minute ride. Train broke down between Marble Arch and Lancaster Gate (where I normally got off). 1 hr later I emerged from Lancaster Gate tube station with my prostate bursting through the end of my helmet.

I've never been the same since.

[Rafa El Gaffer]

You're in a minority of one there.

Somehow I doubt I am.

[AllezLesRouges]

Nothing beats the "end of the binge alley piss" on your walk home.


Topped off with a curry based hurl. As the two meet on the way down you can sometimes see a glistening rainbow or three.

[Tom Blease]

Already posted this on another thread, but might as well file it where it belongs:

Newcastle away last season. Got a lift off a Geordie mate who lives in Liverpool. Me and another one of the lads drinking all the way up there, only stopping once for a piss. From then until we arrived at his brother in law's gaff, we didn't stop at all. As soon as we get there, Mick is away upstairs for a slash (seemed like he took about 20 mins) while I had to sit there trying to make polite conversation with my bladder splitting. Fantastic slash. (I made it to the toilet by the way)

Also, Brum away this season. Our coach had no bog, so all the way there with no toilet break. Resorted to an empty bottle. Unfortunatly we were stuck in traffic in Brum city centre, so the lucky people in the next lane were treated to a full view.

Coming back from one of the Cardiff finals was pretty good too. Someone had pissed all over the floor, so it was swilling round everywhere. So, to avoid getting your feet wet, you had to stand on the steps and piss through the doorway into the bowl while some kind soul held the door open for you.

Happy times........

[paulotrac]

May 25th 2005. Id been drinking all through the first half without having a piss. Went for one early in the second half, came back out and Gerrard and Vladi had scored.

[Rose of Mossley]

May 25th 2005. Id been drinking all through the first half without having a piss. Went for one early in the second half, came back out and Gerrard and Vladi had scored.

And who'd have thought AC would leak three?

[Red till dead]

The one I did in my mates built in wardrobe whilst staying at his house after a night on the piss.I thought I had walked in the bathroom.:eek:

[Baboonery]

I did the same. My non-red mate said to me, "Guess what? Urine with a chance now!"

[Frogs' legs]

Apparently, the ladies have got a similar thread going but there's an enormous queue to post…

[Rafa El Gaffer]

The half time slash at the Attaturk was no doubt the most surreal.

[Rose of Mossley]

Yeh, but I've heard part of the problem is that they spend so much time chatting before and after posting.

Just what I've heard like.

[Real Deep]

Remember the night a couple of years ago, when all those people had to stay on the M11 for the whole night because about 10 years worth of snow fell in about 3 and a half minutes?

Well, I went into a service station to go for a piss off the A12 just north of Ipswich at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon; there was a queue, so I thought,'fuck it, I'll go somewhere else a bit further up.

Gets on the M25 and within about 10 minutes it's carnage. We're travelling at about 10 miles an hour, and the wheels on all the lorries are spinning all over the place. Got to the A1 junction where there's a service station, and my bladder can take no more; I've got to come off here. Big mistake. The roundabout has about two million cars on it all trying to get into South Mimms service station and they're literally twatting each other like a stock-car race.

After an hour of doing a tribute to Ski Sunday in a sprinter van, I managed to get round the roundabout and looked up the slip road that led back up onto the motorway. Oh fuck. 3 articulated lorries had tried and failed to get up the hill and were now slouched in a ditch. Foot down, maximum revs, I made it up the hill travelling at about 1 mile an hour.

Made it home at 8 o'clock and legged it up the stairs. Relief isn't the word. THE longest piss in history. I actually started laughing my head off half way through because I couldn't believe just how long it wasn't going on for...

[Taylor]

I've spent all day on-and-off since 4.30 am pissing rusty water through my arse. Remember the 'don't fuck around with Sardines' thread? Well, don't fuck around with squid either (actually, more accurately, don't eat it raw after it has been thawing all day).

Carry on.

[Rose of Mossley]

I actually started laughing my head off half way through because I couldn't believe just how long it wasn't going on for...

Have you finished it yet?

[Real Deep]

Have you finished it yet?

:D No.:D Still going! :D Get Norris McWhirter on the phone love. :D

[Big Chief]

The piss I had outside Cream, as mentioned on the other thread, will live forever in my memory as the greatest relief ever felt by a human male.

We had been tanning cans of Stella at my mate's house in Manchester and then we got in a taxi to Liverpool. We were only 18 so bravado was clearly preventing any of us from admitting that we needed a piss but fuck me, even as we passed Ikea on the M62, I knew I was in trouble.

It was at the Rocket that I was the first to break but the taxi driver assured us we'd be there in no time at all. Queue the worst traffic at the worst possible moment. Added to the fact that the driver got stuck in the one way system, by the time we pulled up having screamed, "Open the fucking door now you absolute cunt", I must have been seconds from wetting myself.

To this day, I am still very careful about the amount of liquids I consume and when.

[Kemlyn head]

Getting the bus back to Skem years ago when the alehouses shut at 3 o'clock after bevying in town for the afternoon.Absolutely bursting for a piss,had to ask the driver to stop at the Blue Anchor,bastard wouldn't wait though so just pisssed around the back of the pub.....Bliss:) Had to wait in the frezing cold for a fucking hour though to get the next bus!

[1984]

Now this is a thread.

I am glad that other people can remember their favourite pisses. In my student days in Stafford I was going to Stoke to Valentino's one Monday evening on the free bus which the Uni provided. I had been on the beer with my friends, which was my first mistake. The journey takes about 45 minutes and after 15 I realised that I was in trouble. By the time we entered Stoke I was in pain, especially every time the bus went slower. Luckily a friend was in the same boat and we were laughing, though not too hard obviously. Finally we arrived at Valentino's and then I realised my second mistake: I was sat right at the back of the bus. It took ages to get off the bus and the only thing we could do was run to the back of the club and have a piss there.

It lasted AGES. It was pure pleasure. Like Real Deep I started laughing after a while as it was taking so long. The feeling in my bladder after was pure relief.

This happened about 11 years ago.

[RED CORNER]

Mine was probably the time I pissed on a room-mate whilst he was asleep. I was in the forces and arrived back at the barrack room, one night, pissed out of my head. The last thing I remember was collapsing onto my pit. The next thing is, I think I'm on the toilet. Except I wasn't. I was stood above my sleeping room-mate, pissing all over him. If I'd have just stuck to pissing on his blankets, I'd have been fine. But, a slight stagger and I was pissing on his face. He awoke shouting and screaming and trying to bat my urine away as if swatting a fly. Fat lot of good that did him because his hands just got covered in piss too! I then awoke from my stupor, managed to cut short and staggered off to the bathroom to finish off. Fuck me! there was gallons. His bedding was fucking saturated and I had the embarrassment of going to the stores, the following morning, to exchange his bedding. The female civilian running the show felt the bedding, looked at me and said, 'wet the bed, did we?' To which I sheepishly replied, 'yeah'.
As you can imagine, my room-mate wasn't very happy with me. Thankfully, he didn't twat me, because I'd have kicked his fucking head in!

[Mel Wood]

The thought of one incident driving round Hoboken in light beige jeans looking for a parking space for a nine hour slash still brings me out in a cold sweat to this day.
Mathew Street festival almost every year puts forward a candidate for me.
One year (as there's about 10 bogs for about 500 million people) I was absolutely desperate but someone in the group had spotted a cab. Couldn't turn the rare cab down and thought a 15 minute trip would mean a trip to the dry cleaners but had at least an hour or more in congestion, roadworks etc on the way out of town. By the time we reached West Derby Village I was practically hallucinating and just dived headlong out the cab and sprinted through the pub. As Peter Griffin once put it, that was a photo finish.
Another time coming back from town I had to end up stopping the cab at the Jolly Miller for a Geoff Hurst round the back and having a well worthwhile 2-3 mile walk home from there.
It's worse when alcohol's involved and doubly bad when in a vehicle someone else is driving, I find.

[NeilJ]

Post-surgery, after fighting against anaesthetic for about an hour and a half with a bursting bladder.

[1984]

Geoff Hurst

You edited that from Pat Cash. I can get 'for a Pat Cash' but a Geoff Hurst?

I don't know what's more unusual; the fact that you have obviously thought about your post to make that alteration, or the fact that I have noticed it.

[Mel Wood]

You edited that from Pat Cash. I can get 'for a Pat Cash' but a Geoff Hurst?

I don't know what's more unusual; the fact that you have obviously thought about your post to make that alteration, or the fact that I have noticed it.
'tis a 'burst', Mr 84.

...and having now thought long and hard trying to come up with a good reason why I edited it, other than a crazy whim, frankly, I've got nothing.

[Real Deep]

'tis a 'burst', Mr 84.

...and having now thought long and hard trying to come up with a good reason why I edited it, other than a crazy whim, frankly, I've got nothing.

Worth the edit if you ask me. Burst is a much better word than slash.

[1984]

Who understand the workings of the mind?

Especially yours. ;)

No that sounds OK:

I was totally Geoff Hursting
You lot go there for a Pat Cash and I shall wait for you here
I've off for a fog on the tyne.......

[kopiteclarkey]

Getting a lift with scaton's dad after the Wham match at anfield (begining of this season) and I actually had to ask them to stop I was so desperate. That was all kinds of relief - didn't want to piss myself in someone elses car!

[Real Deep]

Getting a lift with scaton's dad after the Wham match

Was it a case of 'let me out, I need to go go'?

Who were they playing, Spandau Ballet?

[Mel Wood]

Getting a lift with scaton's dad after the Wham match at anfield (begining of this season) and I actually had to ask them to stop I was so desperate. That was all kinds of relief - didn't want to piss myself in someone elses car!
The fella I work with (he's sbout 60) got caught short in his car on the motorway on the way into work in Stockport a few years ago.
He reckoned he had never been so desperate in all his life, and I believe him now.
He got to the point he was looking for empty bottles in the car, but all he had to hand was a bodywarmer.
Laterally thinking, he erm, made use of it's absorbency and portability as opposed to the carpet/seat.
I don't work with Alex Ferguson btw.

I've off for a fog on the tyne.......
Now you've got me baffled. Ah hang on, either a 'glass of wine', a 'line', or a 'dwarf mountain pine'?

[Mel Wood]

Was it a case of 'let me out, I need to go go'?

Who were they playing, Spandau Ballet?
:D
Their lot were probably doing 'I Don't Need This Pressure On (Me Prostate)'

[glockdanny]

Okay, this is an appropriate platform to air something that I've wanted to share for years, but I've just not found the right audience.

For no apparent reason, I count the length of each piss I have in seconds, in my head. My record piss is 2 minutes and 4 seconds.

Thanks for your time.

Oh, and by the way, my favourite ever piss was near the Costa Verde in the mountains driving back from La Coruna to Bilbao in November 2004. Tranquil.

[RED CORNER]

There was the time me and some mates went off up to London on a coach to see a Stevie Wonder concert. We were on the ale beforehand and I foolishly got on the coach thinking I'd be all right in terms of needing a burst. Of course, with the bouncing up and down of the coach it wasn't long before I felt the need to go. Add to this the rather lovely ladies we were chatting to and it wasn't long before the 'middle of the night curse after having too much ale' hit. Yes, I was struck down with 'full bladder wood-on':o .
We hit a traffic jam on the A31 in the New Forest and I managed to dive off the coach and behind a bush. People were looking at me from the coach and I realised I was peeing without covering up my embarrassment. Got back on the coach with a 'semi'. Fucking embarrassing, or what?!:rolleyes:

[1984]

Now my flat-mates are wondering why I am laughing like a loon. :D

Fog on the tyne: Urine.

I could have done better, but....well, I couldn't.

[Mel Wood]

Fog on the tyne: Urine.
Ahaaaa! Now I gets you. Thought they must have had some right wacky bars in Bavaria / North Wales if the other options had been anywhere near. ;)

There was the time me and some mates went off up to London on a coach to see a Stevie Wonder concert. We were on the ale beforehand and I foolishly got on the coach thinking I'd be all right in terms of needing a burst. Of course, with the bouncing up and down of the coach it wasn't long before I felt the need to go. Add to this the rather lovely ladies we were chatting to and it wasn't long before the 'middle of the night curse after having too much ale' hit. Yes, I was struck down with 'full bladder wood-on':o .
We hit a traffic jam on the A31 in the New Forest and I managed to dive off the coach and behind a bush. People were looking at me from the coach and I realised I was peeing without covering up my embarrassment. Got back on the coach with a 'semi'. Fucking embarrassing, or what?!:rolleyes:
:D That actually reminds me of one of the only times I've properly cracked up reading a novel. Something by Martin Amis and the main character had to cross London by train having just had a Viagra type injection in Harley St. Suddenly found himself needing an, ahem, Geoff, on the train but given the unnatural trajectory of his amber parabola can only manage it by doing a handstand in the toilet compartment. Alright that, but make sure you lock the door so it doesn't swing open to the rest of the carriage when the train goes round a bend.

Probably much better when written properly.

[Laura_25]

Not sure I should dare reply to this... as some of my pissing antics are not particularly ladylike. But:

In the doorway of Argos in Liverpool city centre after copious amounts of alcohol. Myself and several of my female friends just couldn't wait, so we got some of those who weren't about to burst to shield us with their coats so we could go! :o

Various mens toilets when I can't be arsed to queue for the ladies, but it's just as common for men to be in our toilets, so that's hardly crime of the century.

Oh yes... and worst of all...trying to pee behind a bush type thing on a hill, also whilst intoxicated, and managing to half fall over whilst in the act of squatting.

Lovely.

:eek:

[RED CORNER]

Ooooh! I feel sick now.:p ;)

[big dutch]

Remember the night a couple of years ago, when all those people had to stay on the M11 for the whole night because about 10 years worth of snow fell in about 3 and a half minutes?
Well, I went into a service station to go for a piss off the A12 just north of Ipswich at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon; there was a queue, so I thought,'fuck it, I'll go somewhere else a bit further up.

Gets on the M25 and within about 10 minutes it's carnage. We're travelling at about 10 miles an hour, and the wheels on all the lorries are spinning all over the place. Got to the A1 junction where there's a service station, and my bladder can take no more; I've got to come off here. Big mistake. The roundabout has about two million cars on it all trying to get into South Mimms service station and they're literally twatting each other like a stock-car race.

After an hour of doing a tribute to Ski Sunday in a sprinter van, I managed to get round the roundabout and looked up the slip road that led back up onto the motorway. Oh fuck. 3 articulated lorries had tried and failed to get up the hill and were now slouched in a ditch. Foot down, maximum revs, I made it up the hill travelling at about 1 mile an hour.

Made it home at 8 o'clock and legged it up the stairs. Relief isn't the word. THE longest piss in history. I actually started laughing my head off half way through because I couldn't believe just how long it wasn't going on for...

i was on the m11 that night
was working in ipswich and living in harlow at the time, decided to play squash before i went home so when i got stuck on the m11 just after the a11 junction at about 7.30pm.
got home 8am, still in my squash kit :o

[GDF]

Man City away in the cup a few years back at Maine Road. It was sunny but freezing cold and as the police marched us from the station to the ground the 4 cans of lager i'd hastily drunk on the train didn't seem like such a good idea.
Eventually after complaints from most us we were allowed to stop and piss, which I was made up about as I honestly thought my bladder and kidneys were about to pack in.
Blackburn away the day Baros and Carragher got crocked is a close second, 3of us ran in the bookies after getting off the train, their was only 1 toilet and the first lad then spent 10 mins having a crap, if it wasn't for the fear of pissing myself I'd have battered him there and then.

[AllezLesRouges]

Don't think the missus will appreciate this but.....we were driving back from Liverpool last year when she felt the call of nature. No problem, we'll stop at the next services on the A1. In her haste to get there she tried to overtake a car but horribly misjudged the distance to the turn off so we missed it and the next services were about a year away.
I can only imagine what the passing motorists were thinking at the sight of me holding the passenger door open (laughing SO hard) as the river of piss ran down the hard shoulder.

[chimlie3]

Don't think the missus will appreciate this but.....we were driving back from Liverpool last year when she felt the call of nature. No problem, we'll stop at the next services on the A1. In her haste to get there she tried to overtake a car but horribly misjudged the distance to the turn off so we missed it and the next services were about a year away.
I can only imagine what the passing motorists were thinking at the sight of me holding the passenger door open (laughing SO hard) as the river of piss ran down the hard shoulder.


Thats the thing, when its somebody else its hilarious. Remember my old boss was in my car once, he was absolutely bursting but the next stop was at one of my customers on an industrial estate. Road humps a plenty. I nearly had tears rolling down my face, seeing him in the passenger seat squirming around like i dont know what.

Its never quite as urgent when its someone else either.

BUT, when its us, it aint funny at the time, we'll piss almost anywhere.

[Mel Wood]

Don't think the missus will appreciate this but.....we were driving back from Liverpool last year when she felt the call of nature. No problem, we'll stop at the next services on the A1. In her haste to get there she tried to overtake a car but horribly misjudged the distance to the turn off so we missed it and the next services were about a year away.
I can only imagine what the passing motorists were thinking at the sight of me holding the passenger door open (laughing SO hard) as the river of piss ran down the hard shoulder.
I bet she'd have seen the funny side later* if you'd started the car and driven off from her after about 10 seconds, for a bit of a laugh.




*Might have been quite a while later though.

[scaton]

Not my own, but the most memorable piss I've ever witnessed. Went out after work in Liverpool for a few beers and got the last train back to Southport with a mate of mine. Just before getting on at Moorfields I had a quick David Hirst, but my mate carried on regardless.

Just passing Litherland my mate realises he's in trouble, a good 20 mins shy of Southport, so looks around in panic, and finds an empty stella can, which he gleefully fills. Not wanting to chuck it out all over Waterloo platform, he opens the window of the train to try and throw the can out. As he goes to toss it out, I'm sure you can imagine, the wind from outside forces most of the contents back into the carriage and all over my mates face.

I almost pissed myself.

[WibbleClarke]

Can't remember my most relieving leak I'm afraid, apart from maybe ones I have paid for in Amsterdam. Ahem.


My favourite pissin story though came from a stag weekend in Tenby in summer '04.

17 of us away split into 2 hostel rooms with bunk beds. In the early hours of the Saturday morning my mate (whose nickname is Beale) started to get up in his bed asleep, threw the duvet aside, knelt on the mattress and started letting go all over his pillows and bunk bed frame.

Me having to let everyone see, ran into the other dorm to wake up all the others. It took me a couple of minutes to get a few of them up and into the room, got back into the room and he is still going for it! Eyes closed, on his knees with the piss dripping down onto the head of my other mate (whose nickname is Onslow). Onslow gets up like a caged beast and grabs Beale out of bed with piss flying everywhere and throws his mattress and pillows on the floor, resisting the urge to batter him in his sleep.

Beale didn't even wake through all this, just got straight back onto his bed with about 10 of us in pain laughing and went straight back to kip on the wire mesh!

[alinfarah]

Main St. Houston. Bribed my way into a club - Dean's - with 10 other expats. Denied that we were drunk to the cashier and small Latino cop. My assurances still ringing in their ears, when a married Mancunian couple, who solved their problem by drinking to oblivion, stumbled into said club and the wife tripped, and fell on her face ,pushing the cash register into the lap of the cashier - drunk-ass! Cop jumped in my face and insisted we leave despite my hefty bribe and desperation for a mule piss. Slid into alley on Main and exercised my bladder. A tap on the shoulder with the inimitable Texan drawl "I hope you ain't doin what I think your doin'". Arrested and thrown into the back of a cop wagon with a bunch of people chanting my innocence and Britishness!

Luckily, another cop heard my story in the van - including hefty bribe - and agreed Dean's was full of bastards and left me go! Arrived at house, to wake colleagues from drunken slumber to tell them of my lucky escape. Billy no-friends for the rest of the week-end.

[Caroline]

West Ham at home, missed both goals :mad:

After queuing for an hour at Foo Fighters at LCC last year. Held it so long, I wasn't sure it'd come out. Bad times :(

[vin]

The one I'm having right now.............

[Jennings]

Well, I'm glad I'm not on me own when it comes to 'I'll piss anywhere if I need to go'. I can't believe ALR actually waited to get INSIDE that shit-hole? I was in same position myself but found a nice secluded turnstyle for mine.

Best piss was when I was lucky enough to go to the Grand Canyon. Did a helicopter ride there from Vegas and knew when I got in I'd be struggling. We landed and I was off like a shot and found a convenient crack in the rocks. Delightful.

Most memorable was years ago. Between pubs and I really couldn't wait and found a quiet doorway belonging to M&S. It was one of them 'Dumb & Dumber' pisses where it was never ending. So as I'm streaming away looking around as you do, noticed a TV inside so thought I'd watch it whilst I was waiting to finish... Only I was the star on the telly and it was one of them security cameras! After I finished I waved at the camera and scuttled off to tell me mates! I'm sure the security people reviewing the tapes in the morning appreciated it!

[AshyP]

I think mine had to be on a lads night out probably about 12 years ago. Off out in Watford (dont ask we were a lot younger then and less wise) 12 blokes in a minibus being driven by mates dad. To a man we wanted to go for a piss but would he stop?
We eventually go there outside Sainsbury's 12 blokes lined up splashing their boots was a sight that i wouldnt wish on anyone :o

[dicko1969]

my bro in law used to be a milky.. he used to take a piss at the back of the milk float, and wedge his tackle between the milk crates...

some customers used to say oi mate your milk floats leaking.. or youve broken a bottle or something

[dicko1969]

oh forgot.. recently in my m8s swanky docklands penthouse.. pissed out me head, went to bed... and woke up half hour later... and was my first time i had slept their.....

I missed the bathroom door and went out the 'frontdoor'.... and then another door.... desperate & gradually waking up to my predicament... I pissed down the 'exit' flight of stairs.. ah lovely the feeling of relief....

then getting back into the appartment...I went back to the apartment door... and started walking in... then getting to the bedroom; luckily i saw a pair of shoes that wasnt mine or my mates.. I was in the wrong effing appartment!

so walked back out, luckily not waking up the neighbours; through their living room back out to the foyer.. only to realise our door was locked .. so there i am stark bollocked naked on the front door..

So i whispered through the letter box to my m8.. but he was long gone & pissed too... then 10 mins later finally my wife woke up and let me in... she thought i had been out with my m8.. & said what the fuck are you doing outside with nothing on...

next morning i went down the exit stairs to examine.. for cameras or piss.. but it all had disappeared??? no cameras either.. lucky escape!

[markc101]

Dunno what makes me want to tell this story but now but I've just been browsing through some old threads on here and this one makes me laugh more than others so I thought it was too good not to resurrect and add my own tale of woe to...

...it was a Sunday game at Southampton (late 2004 season, I believe), and me and a couple of mates travelled back to London and went for a few beers at Waterloo before jumping on the underground back to my mate's place where we were staying for the night. I do have a tendancy to need to frequent the gents facilities somewhat regularly after breaking the seal and by the time we got on the tube, I was feeling the urge increasing worringly quickly. I said nothing but tried to chat away in the hope that the growing pressure in my nether regions would abate. I should have known that once the signals start being sent pleading for release that nothing...and I mean nothing...can reverse that trend and only about half a dozen stops later I had little choice but to confess that I badly (severely) needed a wee-wee!

I was met with tuts and groans about my peanut-sized bladder and stupidly convinced that I could surely hang on at least until we had to change trains. It was one of the moments that I will add to my list of life's regrets as about 3-4 minutes later, the tube train ground to a halt, the lights momentarily went out and then we sat in silence waiting for an announcement. Just before the silence was about to be broken by the sound of my bladder literally screaming out for relief, the driver's voice came onto the intercom, and he chillingly announced that a train in front of us had broken down and we could be stuck here for some time. His comment of "make yourselves comfortable" prompted a response from my so-called mates of "you ain't gonna wet yourself, are you?", loud enough to cause a few sniggers from other passengers.

Never had more accurate words been spoken, I was busting more than I could recall and the pressure was continuing to grow. As we sat there I was in a blind panic with all the associated symptoms...sweaty armpits, watery eyes, ringing ears, pounding heart...and a bladder that was seriously threatening to pull the plug at any minute!! My legs ached like I had run a marathon as I desperately tried to hold it in and the pain in my stomach was slowly dissolving into a sort of numbness that melted into my groin and surrounding regions.

I was sitting doubled over in the seat, doing an irish jig with my feet and with an overwhelming desire to break mummy's cardinal rule when I was a little nipper of never to "play with yourself in public"!!

I was about to concede defeat and swamp myself for the first time since babyhood, whimpering shame-facedly to my mates that "I'm going to piss myself" when someone - and I know not who - produced a plastic bag and I found myself being elevated from my seat and propelled into a corner and before I knew it I was aiming into the carrier bag...but...I couldn't release it!!! I had been willing myself to hang on for so long that I just couldn't let go and despite the racking pain and my now-shrieking bladder, I struck with something probably akin to pee-shyness!

The next few minutes are a bit of a blur but I can simply recall standing in the corner, unable to return to my seat for fear that the flow would start when I sat back down, in excruciating pain, the plastic bag still empty and...the train finally starting to move!!

As the train finally crawled into the station, my mates were willing me on, the other passengers were about to burst into spontaneous applause in recognition of my success in still being dry, I was sorely tempted to burst into tears for a whole mixture of emotions...and as I endeavoured to put one foot in front of the other to step from the train onto the platform guess what...yes, my ****ing bladder thought "**** this!" and started to empty itself!!! :o:o:o

Yes my friends, I started to wet myself...right there, on the edge of the platform.

Dispelling the myth that modesty and shyness overcomes all else, I managed to extract the now full-flowing villian of the piece from my rapdily soggy jeans and stood and peed on the platform in full view of everyone, with a mixture of sympathetic glances and irate stares. When I'd "finished" (what seemed like several hours later!) I was left with a strange feeling of embarrassed relief the like of which I'd never felt before, a stinging belly-ache that lasted well into the night, two mates barely able to walk for laughing so much, a pair of damp jeans that left little doubt as to what had happened and an overwhelming sense of depression that I hadn't been able to do what I did on the platform - and whip it out, so to speak - on the train, thereby avoiding all that followed.

Oh well...such is life I guess...and the consolation is that I have two mates who have an annual dissolving of laughter when recalling the incident along with a string of other 'mates' and associates who know the story inside-out.

As long as you can make someone happy, eh?

[glockdanny]

:D

Superb.

Another new welcome addition to the forum methinks.

[Mozzaretti]

Having journeyed up to the Lincoln memorial following a night at Old Ebbitts to get some night pix I needed run the gaunlet down the marble steps to find the nearest bush, unfortunately it wasn't George W but a large shurb around at the base of the memorial. Not sure how the rest of the US population would feel about a half cut englishman pissing on the memory of their greatest leader :o



Needs must like

[1984]

You are Ozzy Osbourne and I claim my 5 pounds.

[Devski]

This wasn't me but when I was travelling in Australia (Cairns) sleeping in a hostel dorm late at night I was awoken by the screaming of a disbelieving Canadian woman.

She was on the bottom bunk below some piss-head who had come in the worse for wear & passed out in the bunk above her. He'd started to piss himself, and it soaked through his mattress & started dripping down onto her bed. She'd had a few bevvies herself & so didn't wake up immediately. His piss soaked her, her bedding, her mattress & her backpack including contents which were stashed under her bed.

Poor girl had to shower herself, borrow some clothes & spend the rest of the night washing out all her stuff. Not before she had gone totally ballistic at the piss-head who barely noticed.

[Rose of Mossley]

This wasn't me but when I was travelling in Australia (Cairns) sleeping in a hostel dorm late at night I was awoken by the screaming of a disbelieving Canadian woman.

She was on the bottom bunk below some piss-head who had come in the worse for wear & passed out in the bunk above her. He'd started to piss himself, and it soaked through his mattress & started dripping down onto her bed. She'd had a few bevvies herself & so didn't wake up immediately. His piss soaked her, her bedding, her mattress & her backpack including contents which were stashed under her bed.

Poor girl had to shower herself, borrow some clothes & spend the rest of the night washing out all her stuff. Not before she had gone totally ballistic at the piss-head who barely noticed.

Surely the end to that story was that when she noticed it, she was shocked at first, but then let it all rain down on her face willingly etc.

What?

[hindsy]

The best pisses are always in a lake / the sea when you've got a wet suit on, most of mine through water skiing / knee boarding - lovely and warm - bliss :D

[The_Red_Boyo]

The best pisses are always in a lake / the sea when you've got a wet suit on, most of mine through water skiing / knee boarding - lovely and warm - bliss :D


So basically you're saying you wet yourself, nice! Anywho, for what it's worth, surely the nicest pee is first thing in the morning when you're bursting, the relief, what bliss!

[Mozzaretti]

I enjoy emptying the colostomy bag too





:eek:

[AllezLesRouges]

I enjoy emptying the colostomy bag too





:eek:



That's a piss-take, surely?

[Mozzaretti]

yes it is and don't call me shirley

[markc101]

I'm almost sorry I resurrected this thread!!

:eek:

[The Prince]

The best pisses are always in a lake / the sea when you've got a wet suit on, most of mine through water skiing / knee boarding - lovely and warm - bliss :D

Pushs away his glass of lemonade with a grimace

[Rose of Mossley]

Well, quite. Particularly if it's a glass of that 'traditional' stuff.

[Baboonery]

Schofields' Yellow Lemo?

[redrule]

Mine was probably the time I pissed on a room-mate whilst he was asleep. I was in the forces and arrived back at the barrack room, one night, pissed out of my head. The last thing I remember was collapsing onto my pit. The next thing is, I think I'm on the toilet. Except I wasn't. I was stood above my sleeping room-mate, pissing all over him. If I'd have just stuck to pissing on his blankets, I'd have been fine. But, a slight stagger and I was pissing on his face. He awoke shouting and screaming and trying to bat my urine away as if swatting a fly. Fat lot of good that did him because his hands just got covered in piss too! I then awoke from my stupor, managed to cut short and staggered off to the bathroom to finish off. Fuck me! there was gallons. His bedding was fucking saturated and I had the embarrassment of going to the stores, the following morning, to exchange his bedding. The female civilian running the show felt the bedding, looked at me and said, 'wet the bed, did we?' To which I sheepishly replied, 'yeah'.
As you can imagine, my room-mate wasn't very happy with me. Thankfully, he didn't twat me, because I'd have kicked his fucking head in!

I thought you were going to surprise

I expected a story about your own pants.

Was waiting in telephone que to a company while reading that on the monitor.
I bloody forgot what I was going to say by reading that !

Was there no reaction from your room mate at all ????

[Birdcage]

Surely the best piss is always the first one on a plane?
You know the score, a few bevvies in the airport, you've probably gone for a piss not long before boarding but had that sneaky last pint. Then you get to the gate and queue up and figure you don't need to go again so you'll get on the plane. Finally get on and it takes ages to get everyone on board. A delay on the runway and by this time you're getting REALLY uncomfortable. Watch the stewardesses do the safety routine, hoping to god the pilot hurries the fuck up and gets the thing in the sky.
By the time that seat-belt light finally goes out, it's a straight race between you and everyone else on the plane for those 2 precious cubicles.
And then you finally get there and you can't go!!!

[Mozzaretti]

Surely the best piss is always the first one on a plane?
You know the score, a few bevvies in the airport, you've probably gone for a piss not long before boarding but had that sneaky last pint. Then you get to the gate and queue up and figure you don't need to go again so you'll get on the plane. Finally get on and it takes ages to get everyone on board. A delay on the runway and by this time you're getting REALLY uncomfortable. Watch the stewardesses do the safety routine, hoping to god the pilot hurries the fuck up and gets the thing in the sky.
By the time that seat-belt light finally goes out, it's a straight race between you and everyone else on the plane for those 2 precious cubicles.
And then you finally get there and you can't go!!!


Either that or you hit the big piece of turbulence and end up with extremely wet shoes / trousers / shirt and end up have to lock yourself in the cubicle for the entire flight.


This is not an experience I have had thankfully, but it must have happened to someone somewhere:o

[redrule]

Either that or you hit the big piece of turbulence and end up with extremely wet shoes / trousers / shirt and end up have to lock yourself in the cubicle for the entire flight.


This is not an experience I have had thankfully, but it must have happened to someone somewhere:o
I bet that was the truth

Would be a joke in your line of work not being able to locate the toilet !

:p

P.S : Airplane - The man shaving in the toilet ...

[RED CORNER]

I thought you were going to surprise

I expected a story about your own pants.

Was waiting in telephone que to a company while reading that on the monitor.
I bloody forgot what I was going to say by reading that !

Was there no reaction from your room mate at all ????


He was, naturally, very angry and made some threatening noises but they were basically just that, threats, and empty ones at that because I was nearly twice the size of him and would've leathered him. Some people have no fucking sense of humour.

[hindsy]

What about writing your name in the snow with piss ????












Obviously better in a girls handwriting ;)

[redrule]

What about writing your name in the snow with piss ????

Obviously better in a girls handwriting ;)

Picture this

20 to 30 minus celsius and being a woman with your ass in the snow.

Do you think for a second they will go for writing their name ?
They usually make one letter and that is an O
if they dont fall over then it´s O iii O iiii O iii

P.S No wonder you could not do your service on a submarine

Anyone waking up wet in the middle of the night would get an heart attack.

:eek:

[hindsy]

Picture this

20 to 30 minus celsius and being a woman with your ass in the snow.

Do you think for a second they will go for writing their name ?
They usually make one letter and that is an O
if they dont fall over then it´s O iii O iiii O iii

P.S No wonder you could not do your service on a submarine

Anyone waking up wet in the middle of the night would get an heart attack.

:eek:

The Falklands mate - get one of the Young RAF Girls pissed up and tell them to hold your special marker pen and sign their name !! ;)

[redrule]

The Falklands mate - get one of the Young RAF Girls pissed up and tell them to hold your special marker pen and sign their name !! ;)

Aha

You meen that they should hold your device .
Not them cunting their autograph themselfs.

Was there much snow in the Falklands and were you there Mate ?

[AshyP]

Aha

You meen that they should hold your device .
Not them cunting their autograph themselfs.
Was there much snow in the Falklands and were you there Mate ?

:D

Nice one Per, im still at work and that has cheered me up.

[hindsy]

Aha

You meen that they should hold your device .
Not them cunting their autograph themselfs.

Was there much snow in the Falklands and were you there Mate ?

Yeah plenty - May to Sept - about 17 weeks - we had about 12-13 weeks of snow :D

and yes to your first question !