Ask Jesus

[1984]

Came across this on a Christian website I occasionally go on:

http://www.answermejesus.com/ask.asp

Q. Having sex?
A. I would

:D

Q. Should Gerrard have been made captain of England?
A. Watch out for the lightning

Q. Will Liverpool win today?
A. It is not righteous

:(

Q. What do you think about England?
A. Let me ask my Dad

:confused:

Q. What do you think about Mancs?
A. Resist the devil

[Rafa El Gaffer]

Q:Is Gerrard better than Dalglish ?

A:For Christ sake.

[1984]

Q. Gary Neville?
A. I died for this?

[LENNONSGHOST]

Q; why is fat frank lampard so fat?
A; i would.

So maybe the question should be is jesus gay & if he is, is he a tubby chaser?

[Dave76]

Q. Will I live past 40?
A. Not a chance in hell

:eek:

[big dutch]

champions this year ??

hypocrite :confused:

[colin.keyes]

should i leave my wife?

yes my child:rolleyes:

[Pablo84]

Q Are my testicles the right shape for snowboarding?

A Wait for a sign!:cool:

[Mel Wood]

Who put the bomp in the bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp?

It is not righteous.

Who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong?

Hallelujah :confused:

What would chairs look like if our knees went backwards?

It is not righteous.

This one took the friggin biscuit.

Which set of 'brothers' wrote and recorded 'unchained melody'?

It is not righteous. :rolleyes:

I'm beginning to think it's not Jesus answering your questions on there at all.

[Kopite]

Q. Does God exist?
A. Let me ask my Dad.

So that's a yes?

[CODE RED]

What a bizarre website.


Q: Meaning of life?
A: Pray harder. (I'll accept that actually).


Q: Will Chavski win the Premiership?
A: Oh ye of little faith.

[Big Ed]

Recently watched the 'Prisoner' episode where number 6 asked the computer "Why?" and it blew up.

Q: Why?
Jesus: Wait for a sign.

Disappointing.

[Big Ed]

Q: Why is rod hull alive alive and getting paid as well?
A: Yes, my child

He's a bit patronising, Jesus.

[Jimmys Chippy]

Q- Will I have sex tonight?
A- I'll ask my Dad

[Big Ed]

Q- Will I have sex tonight?
A- I'll ask my Dad
:eek:

Fucked by God?

Wouldn't be the first.........

[Big Ed]

Q: is it really blasphemy, just saying 'Jehovah'?
A: the holy water will sting.

That's a yes, then?

Oops.

[Jimmys Chippy]

:eek:

Fucked by God?

Wouldn't be the first.........

At least Jesus is considering it, the Missus just turned me down point blank this morning. If it all turns out well between us (we've even got the same initials), I predict a rather good season for Liverpool this time out.

[1984]

After asking lots of questions without getting any direct answers I wrote the following:

Q. Jesus
A. Sinner

He said it!

[Dave76]

Q. Will my hangover last all day.
A. Yes my child.

It is fairly straight forward.

[big dutch]

what have the romans ever done for us

no chance in hell

(so jesus does not want to get into a life of brian chat i see, which to be fair is not surprising as this is his busiest day of the week )

[Mick R]

Q. Why, Lord, when I was verily knackered this evening and got in to bed for a nice relaxing snooze, didst thou put a wasp therein and allow it to sting me?
A. Pray harder.


Q. As I have just torn the wasp asunder, removing first one wing, then it's head with an almighty flick against the wall, will I burn in hell?
A. The Holy Water will sting.


Q. No, it was definitely a wasp.
A. The Holy Water will sting.


Q. Ok, thanks for your time.
A. I still love you.



I swear on my life I have just been stung in bed by a wasp, and when I typed the above four questions/statements into the website, they are the genuine answers I got. :eek:

I'm seriously spooked by that...

[Psychoticmonkey]

Q: Should I kill celebrities as a hobby?
A: Sinner

Obviously never seen Big Brother.

Q: Do you watch Big Brother?
A: It is not righteous

Remarkable!

Q: It's Sunday - shouldn't you be resting on the sabbath?
A: Yes my child

Q: Should we sell Sinama-Pongolle?
A: I still love you

Q: Are racist jokes immoral?
A: Resist the devil

He's good!

[refugee]

Q. jizz on your jugs
A. yes, my child

Q. what is a foreskin
A. the holy water will sting

Q. are the beatles bigger than you
A. sinner

Q. in other words yeah?
A. i'll ask my dad

Q. how long does it take to cook a medium chicken in the oven
A. for christ sake

[Pablo84]

Q What's the fuss tell me what's happening?

A That is not righteous.

:confused:

[DaveRedMan]

Q. Would you wear a replica jersey

A. It is not righteous

:eek:

[DaveRedMan]

Q. Do you wank?

A. Hallelujah ;)

[Dave76]

Q. Who will win the TTWAR fantasy football league?
A. Sinner.



Thanks for that.

[Dave76]

Q. What's your position on puns then?
A. For Christ sake.

[Sevcan]

Q. Have you ever pissed on a woman?
A. Resist the devil.

Q. Was Mary Magdalen a goer?
A. The holy water will sting.


I'm convinced

[1984]

Excuse me looking up an old thread but I thought I needed some wisdom:

Is Rafa the one to win us the league?
Have a nice afterlife

:eek:

Riise?
The holy water will sting

Hmmmmm

Is Hitler in heaven?
For Christ sake

Well, I did suspect that

Will you be happy if The Stone Roses win the album poll?
Sinner

I'll take that as a no, then

Have Liverpool ever beaten Everton fairly?
The holy water will sting

Again, I take that as a no.

[Real Deep]

Q: Rafa: the man?
A: Sinner.

Who'd have thought it?

[Rafa El Gaffer]

Should I change my username?
Yes my Child.

Is Riise on this planet to continually wreck my head?
Let me ask my dad.

Is Uber-rotation the way of the future?
Pray harder. (Tell me about it!)

Would Mourinho be a better Manager for us than Rafa?
Resist the Devil.

Is Rafa playing attractive Football?
I died for this?

Will Liverpool challenge for the Title this year?
For Christ sake.

[AllezLesRouges]

Q: Does holy water sting?
A: Hypocrite

Q:Am i a hypocrite?
A:The holy water will sting


Fucked if I'm asking for directions to Durham